


[Fic + Podfic] Patient: 8217-3352, Date of Visit: 23/07/2001

by BrandonStrayne



Series: Eros Department [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Facebook: The Pen15 is Mightier, Humor, Medical, Podfic, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Available, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, Spell Failure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-17 10:14:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20619353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrandonStrayne/pseuds/BrandonStrayne
Summary: Written for the Pen15 is Mightier 2019 Gift Exchange. I really hope you like it,the_crown_jules! :DMuch thanks to my palsOllieMaye,Drarryismymuse, andKeep_Calm_and_Expecto_Patronumfor the beta.For the Podfic links, see chapter 2.





	1. Fic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [the_crown_jules](https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_crown_jules/gifts).

> Written for the Pen15 is Mightier 2019 Gift Exchange. I really hope you like it, [the_crown_jules](https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_crown_jules)! :D
> 
> Much thanks to my pals [OllieMaye](https://archiveofourown.org/users/olliemaye), [Drarryismymuse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hatchersn/pseuds/Drarryismymuse), and [Keep_Calm_and_Expecto_Patronum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/keep_calm_and_expecto_patronum) for the beta.
> 
> For the Podfic links, see chapter 2.

“Alright, Ms…” the Healer was already speaking as she entered the room, eyes cast down at the parchment in her hand, “Weasley. What’s ailing you today?”

Ginny looked down, unable to meet the Healer’s eyes, uncharacteristically shy. The Healer stepped to the side of the room and began washing her hands in the small sink against the wall. “I—”

Ginny was cut off by a tall man storming into the room looking extremely disgruntled. “I demanded they tell me when the Healer would deign to see us, but they said we would just have to be patient. Apparently there’s been a batch of contaminated Amortentia that has caused a number of witches and wizards to fall in love with a species of endangered toad and they have their hands full.”

The Healer cleared her throat and Draco spun around, annoyance melting from his face and replaced with a practised look of forbearance. “Ah, I didn’t see you there, Healer…”

“Bunastare,” the Healer stated flatly before turning to Ginny. “Now, you were saying, Ms Weasley?”

Ginny watched, amused, as Draco shot dirty looks at Healer Bunastare’s back. Draco had made great strides since the war ended and he no longer espoused beliefs about Muggle inferiority, but he hadn’t quite shaken the Malfoy superiority either. He was always wrong-footed whenever someone in the Wizarding world failed to be impressed by his family name.

Normally, it was Ginny getting under his skin. That’s how they’d ended up in this...whatever-they-were. Definitely not boyfriend and girlfriend. That seemed far too…“official” for what they had going on. But after the sixth time, she didn’t really think she could justify calling it a one-night stand, either. 

The first time they’d hooked up had been four months ago. Harry had finally managed to drag Draco along to their biweekly Friday night drinks. Even after two years, it was still bizarre to see Harry and Draco getting along. They had been assigned as Auror partners straight out of the DMLE training program, to both of their consternation, and their gang had started a pool on how long it would be before one of them killed the other. Much to everyone’s surprise, far from killing each other, they had actually formed a bond. Apparently having killing curses cast at you as you fought back-to-back was a highly effective balm to heal past differences.

Maybe if they’d known that growing up, her brothers wouldn’t have suffered through quite so many of her infamous Bat Bogey Hexes.

An evening of exchanging barbs had somehow ended with Draco fucking her against the brick wall in the alley behind the bar after everyone else had gone home. No one knew about the two of them, although Harry seemed to have some suspicions; he had Floo'd her the next day to ask if she had made it home okay and to ask what time Draco had left. If Ginny had to guess, she would lay Galleons on Harry being more interested in who Draco might have gone home with than who she might have.

“Ms Weasley?”

Ginny shook herself out of her thoughts and finally rustled up the courage to look the Healer in the eyes, feeling a small kinship with the woman who seemed completely unbothered by the burning daggers that Draco was staring into her back.

“Yes, umm...it’s kind of embarrassing,” Ginny stammered.

The stony look on the Healer’s face smoothed away and she smiled kindly at Ginny. “You don’t need to be embarrassed, Ms Weasley. Everything you tell me will be kept in the strictest of confidence, and I have worked in the Eros Department for nine years now, so very little surprises me.”

“I doubt that,” Draco scoffed under his breath, barely discernible from where Ginny was sitting.

“Mr Malfoy, why don’t you take a seat over there while I examine your girlfriend.” The Healer gestured to a sparse, uncomfortable-looking chair along the wall of the exam room, her tone more of an instruction than a suggestion.

“He’s not my—”

“We’re not—”

They both cut off and there was an awkward silence in the room. Healer Bunastare seemed unfazed. “My only concern is what brought you here today. Now, what can I help you with?”

Ginny squirmed uncomfortably, not only because of the undefined state of her and Draco’s fling but also because the pad that she’d applied to staunch the flow was definitely approaching its end of life. “Well, you see...Draco and I were, well, we were about to have sex and...something went wrong.

“What exactly went wrong?” the other woman asked, face betraying nothing.

“We were kind of in a hurry because we were in the Harpies change room and the rest of the team was due to arrive for our game against the Cannons, so we used a lubrication charm to speed things along—”

“Only because we were in a hurry, I assure you. Normally, I would take more than ample time with foreplay,” Draco cut in.

“Oh for Merlin’s sake, your prowess as a lover is not being thrown into question, you prat!” Ginny barked, annoyed at being cut off. Draco sat back in the chair, arms crossed against his chest and lips pinched tight as if he was sucking on a slice of lemon.

The corner of the Healer’s lips twitched in amusement before she encouraged Ginny to continue.

“So we cast the lubrication charm and...well...it hasn’t stopped. I’ve used it before and it’s never done this. It’s always lasted for about thirty minutes in the past and then the effects wear off, but it’s been"—Ginny looked at the antique watch that her mother had given her when she had turned seventeen, which had belonged to her Grandma Prewett, who had died when Ginny was just a baby—"almost five hours now."

"I see, and what symptoms are you experiencing?" The Healer scribbled a hasty note on Ginny's admittance form.

"It was a lubrication charm. What do you _suppose_ her symptoms might be?" Draco asked snidely.

"What I wouldn't want to do is _assume_ something and come to an erroneous diagnosis," she threw back, mirroring Draco's tone.

Sighing, Ginny turned to look at Draco. "I really appreciate you coming with me, but would you please shut your gob?" Draco looked about to object before taking a big breath and sagging into the chair.

"You're right. I'm sorry." He turned towards the Healer, "To both of you. I am embarrassed and uncomfortable and when I feel like that, I have a tendency to be a bit prickly."

"A big prick-ly, you mean," Ginny smirked and Draco laughed lightly before throwing a devilish wink back at her.

The Healer nodded in acceptance of Draco's apology. "As I said, there's no need to be embarrassed as there is no judgement in this room. I’m sorry if I was a bit brusque before. I’ve been on call for going on fourteen hours now and all I’ve had to eat is a bruised banana from the cafeteria, so I’m a bit short-tempered right now.” Turning back to Ginny, she asked, “Now, symptoms?

“Basically, I seem to have turned into a human fountain down there,” Ginny stated flatly, a nervous laugh escaping as she attempted to find the humour in the situation.

“How much fluid have you been excreting from your vagina, approximately?” the Healer asked with a stoic face. She really did seem to be unflappable, which helped ease Ginny’s discomfort and awoke her competitive nature: now she wanted to get a rise out of the woman.

“Well, it’s hard to say exactly,” Ginny began, “but I’ve soaked through two menstrual pads already and it’s a damn good thing we were playing Chudley today and the game didn’t take long, because I was slipping around on my broom as if it were a skating rink.”

Ginny grinned as the other woman’s lips twitched in amusement before she cleared her throat and gave Ginny a reassuring smile. “Fortunate you weren’t playing the Wasps then,” she agreed, earning a groan and eye-roll from Ginny and a chuff of laughter from Draco.

When the Healer passed a confused look between Draco and her, Ginny explained, “He has fifty Galleons down on Wimbourne to win the League Cup this year.”

“That strikes me as a pretty safe bet,” the Healer nodded.

“Exactly!” Draco exclaimed, the previous hostility long since forgotten and giving the Healer a look of approval.

“I’d love to get into an in-depth discussion about how the Harpies fly laps around the Wasps in the number of shots on goal, but perhaps after we take care of the Niagara Falls in my pants?” Ginny asked dryly.

Healer Bunastare did laugh this time before setting down Ginny’s admission parchment on the bed beside her and pulling her wand out of a pocket in her lime-green robe. “I think that’s probably a good idea. I’m just going to cast a few diagnostic spells on you, if that’s alright with you?”

When Ginny nodded, the Healer began moving her wand in a series of complicated patterns, casting wordlessly as a shifting rainbow of coloured spells travelled over Ginny’s body. Two concentrations of purple magic essence began to accumulate on Ginny’s midsection for a moment before the Healer lowered her wand.

“I believe I have found the problem. It’s a very hot day out today. I don’t suppose you activated any spells prior to your game this afternoon?”

“No, nothing. I—oh shit! The team Healer gave us each a few minor spells to help with the weather: a sun protection charm, an eye protection charm and a—”

“Hydration charm,” Ginny and the Healer said in unison.

“That’s what I suspected,” the Healer said, nodding before lifting her wand again. “_Siccus_,” she cast and almost instantly Ginny could feel the flow of lubrication slowing. “That should counteract the exacerbating effects on the lubrication charm. It should peter out in the next hour or so. You’re going to want to make sure to drink lots of fluids tonight though.”

Ginny nodded her head in agreement vigorously. “Thank you! Thank you so much! That is such a relief!”

The Healer picked up Ginny’s admission form and scribbled her treatment notes on it before offering her hand to Ginny, who promptly shook it. “Good luck with your strive for the Cup. I hope you’ll forgive me if I continue to root for the Wasps, though.”

Ginny laughed and assured the Healer that she would not hold any hard feelings against her.

“If you ever want tickets for a match, just contact me. I still know a few palms I can grease,” Draco offered, moments before Ginny smacked him on the arm.

“Way too soon to start joking about this, you arse!” Ginny accused.

“What?” Malfoy asked, feigning innocence that Ginny was not buying.

“We only handle curses related to sexual wellness in this department. The Hex Relief Department is on the third floor,” Healer Bunastare offered helpfully before sweeping out of the office to see to her next patient and leaving the two lovers to snipe playfully at one another.


	2. Podfic

### Download

Title | Length | Size | Format  
---|---|---|---  
[Patient: 8217-3352, Date of Visit: 23/07/2001](https://www.dropbox.com/s/5j9wmh02ckpmg43/BrandonStrayne%20-%20Eros%20Department%201.mp3?dl=0) | 10:30 | 6.9 MB | MP3


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